Me getting in to stupid situations…

Hey!

After I last wrote I went to the gym and bumped in to Joe (my ex – the only normal one) and he’s having a bit of a crappy time lately so, to cheer him up, I decided to tell him about mini-dick! It was the funniest gym session ever! We were both absolutely wetting ourselves and I didn’t get any training done! Unfortunately FGG was there and probably thought me and Joe were together, or, since he sees me with DC all the time too, that I’m the gym slag! Anyway that aside I was telling him about Sam and he suddenly realised that he knows Sam!! And how does he know him?! Because Sam is apparently the city bike! Joe’s known him for years (not as friends) and apparently Sam is always in town, often on his own, and just starts talking to random people and then buys them drinks because he’s loaded! Oh. Dear. Then we got on to a discussion about what an absolute c*ck he is and I mentioned that he’s not the biggest guy in every sense of the word (I also pointed out that I don’t know anyone else who thinks it’s a sensible idea to discuss their sex life with their ex but this issue was swiftly brushed under the carpet!) Joe was absolutely wetting himself at just how small Sam is (I have very small hands so you probably won’t get the full horror of the issue unless yours are equally tiny but make a fist as though giving a hand-job and then imagine a guy having a penis only an inch bigger. Exactly.) I then tried to demonstrate the two-finger hand-job which totally confused Joe and I had to show him on a handle to some gym equipment! It was so funny, I was crying with laughter!

I pointed out that I was somewhat worried that if I went back to his again it would be a bit awkward (Lyds: I’ve brought Durex / Sam: I’m going to need smaller…) and Joe suggested I take a thimble!! So funny! I also said that I thought it might be like a terrace house and maybe went back further than I thought… At which point me and Joe were absolutely wetting ourselves! I then said that I wished Ian was there and Joe told me that Ian would be there that night. Since I’d done absolutely no training I told Joe to pass on the message to Ian that I’d see him at the gym to tell him about my latest stupid situation. Anyway I then rushed home and threw a sandwich down my throat and headed off to work. I had a missed call from Sam but as I (a) didn’t want to speak to him and (b) was in a rush I ignored it. It wasn’t a bad evening and time passed, as it tends to.

Afterwards I rode straight to the gym and met Ian. I told him the whole story again and it wasn’t as funny as when I told Joe but I think that’s more to do with the fact that me and Ian always go off on tangents! My back had started to hurt too and I realised that it was because of a position I’d been in with Sam (We were both fully clothed, he put me on my front and I lifted my upper body by resting on my forearms. He then got on top of me and started pushing up against my bum so I stuck my bum higher in the air) If you don’t get that description then don’t worry Ian didn’t either. So, classy bird that I am, I layed on the floor of the weights area in the gym and showed him! It was very funny and Ian told me we were going in the changing rooms, which was amusing, and I said if we were having sex it was going to be on the squash courts! I also confided in him about the fact that Joe was my first (I’d sworn Joe to secrecy over that one) and he admitted that it had been a year since he last had sex (at my last birthday!) Ian really is so lovely. When we’d finished in the gym (not that either of us actually did anything) we decided to get changed and then meet up to walk out (as you do lol!) So we stood outside by my bike until the gym actually shut! I showed him the message from Sam calling me a paedophile, at which point I noticed I had a new message and it was him saying, ‘Do you not return calls x’ So we laughed a bit and carried on chatting and then my phone started ringing and it was Sam so I tried to get Ian to answer it and at first he didn’t want to, then he did but couldn’t figure out how to answer it. It was very funny! Unfortunately it stopped ringing before he figured it out.

However both Joe and Ian promised to try Sam’s w*nking method and let me know how it went! I knew Joe wouldn’t though because he has a girlfriend and I sure as hell wouldn’t have appreciated him trying some new hand-job technique for his ex when I was with him! But Ian actually asked for my number (yeh, we’ve only been friends for a year and he knows pretty much everything about me but only now do we exchange numbers!) and promised to let me know what happened (as I pointed out it could have been really good!) I then started off home but ended up on a slight detour to buy ice cream ) good times. When I got there I felt a bit bad about Sam so I text him saying that I was sorry and I’d been out on my bike, at work and then at the gym, so he text back with, ‘until now lol yeh ok then’ so I explained that my gym doesn’t shut until after 11 and that I was at the supermarket as I was texting. He then told me he’d be getting home soon and asked if I wanted to go over so I said I couldn’t because of my parents. He then put, ‘Your [sic] not 12 get over here and stay the night.’!! So I said no, I told Joe and Ian about it afterwards and Joe said that Mini Dick really has a way with the ladies. Very funny times!

Anyway the next day Ian text me to tell me that the ‘Doorbell Method’ that Sam used was crap and does nothing for him. I text him back to say that I thought I’d got rid of MD and we agreed that this was a good thing but told me I had to get back out there and provide more funny stories! Anyway on Friday I wandered over to a cash machine not too far from my house to check that I’d been paid, which I had, and on the way home I had a feeling that either DC or MD were going to drive past. Lo and behold MD drives up next to me! So I went over to his window to talk to him and I gave him a kiss. He was looking really tanned, which it turned out was from a sunbed session! (a)  Don’t tell everyone and (b) I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t be staying on them long enough for someone to presume you’d been away even though they’d only seen you two days before! Some woman pulled up behind him and I told him to get out of the way and he refused to because he’s a spoilt brat. So I started walking along and he drove next to me at walking pace asking what I was doing that night! In the end I agreed to ring him when I got home. So I got in and rang him and me friend, Fiona, from uni and neither of them answered so I, as you do, got all paranoid that my phone wasn’t working so I rang MD again and no answer! Then as I hung up Fi rang me back so clearly not my phone, just him being a (very little) d*ck.

Then I worked Sat, which was ok, and afterwards I decided to buy myself some little shorts to wear in to town that night and then went to the gym. I did a quick session and bumped in to Mike (a friend of my little brother, he trains like crazy and his brother works in the bar at the gym and clearly flirts with me.) He told me that my legs were looking a lot thinner and then mentioned the rumour going around the bar and kitchen staff; that I’m ‘dynamite in the sack’!!! Good Lord! Well after this I got my arse home, got ready and went up to Nic’s (I was looking good by the way; little shorts in grey, black top and 5 inch black stilletos!) then we went in to town. It was a good night, nothing special though. Sunday I worked again and then went to the gym and saw Joe and Ian again! It was another funny session. I’d trained alone first, then trained with Mike and then went over to chat with Joe and Ian. I demonstrated the ‘position’ for Joe and afterwards we both agreed that he had probably seen me in that position before! Amusing! We also decided that next Sunday I’m going to their’s for a bbq (I’m not, we were just having a laugh) and then ‘bbq’ somehow evolved to ’spitroast’! As we all went to leave Joe said quite loudly, ‘See you at the spitroast.’ As he went in to the changing rooms, unfortunately some guy was coming out at the same time and he properly looked me up and down!! Joe and Ian were in hysterics and Ian kept saying ’spitroast’ as men walked past! Lol, good times! I then had to work Bank Holiday Monday too, which was pretty sh*te. After my shift I went straight to the gym for a swim and felt much better afterwards ) The b*st*rds at the chav shop have, however, been ringing me all morning and I’ve missed all their calls. B8ll8cks am I working again! They can go f*ck themselves!

Love Lyds x x x